The "Wow" Factor

(another self-reflection piece I did after another night of too much thinking about my current state of life. from 2007)


with all of the time
in the world
to spend it
wild and unwise
I wanna be
mesmerizing too


I've come to the conclusion--well, not just now, I think I've known it for some time--that I lack a certain something I like to call the "wow" factor. I'm sure you know what I mean--that thing you notice in people, or other inanimate objects that catches your attention right away. I'm not sure it's something you can just pick up, I tend to think it's something you either have or you don't. And I think they shorted me on it when I was born.

If you've read my profile, you'll see that I've described myself as the world's worst first impression maker. I either come off as too reserved and shy or too over the top and forward. And it's always at the wrong time with the wrong person. Where I need one I produce the other, and vice versa. Maybe I have a hard time judging which approach works best, or maybe I get frustrated when one try doesn't work out so I fall back to the other as safety net. I don't know. If I did, I wouldn't be writing this now would I?

I had to cop a nasty attitude on someone this weekend because of this inherent weakness, and it made me feel bad about myself, and not surprisingly, it gave me a bit of a thrill at the same time. I didn't have to do it really, I could've just left things as they were and moved on with my life as it was at that moment. But my lack of "wow" forced me into selfish damage control. And the thing was, I don't know whether it actually accomplished what I wanted, in spite of getting a reaction I was hoping for. Only time will tell, although I really couldn't care less if I ever find out.

Well meaning people console me about my despondency in the relationship department. They tell me I'm a "great guy" (which I tend to think is a code for something else). They give me the usual advice that everyone hears--you'll find someone, don't worry about it, don't try so hard. But I am leaning towards the idea that the "wow" I don't have is an overwhelming factor in my present state.

I'm just so worn down by being average, marginal, not up to the required standard, unremarkable, and plain old vanilla. I have to concur with John Lee Hooker--I'll never get out these blues alive.

Selah