Don't Tell Me What Love Can Do

It seems a perverse irony in the fact that St Valentine has his feast day in the middle of February. Cold, gray and intemperate are not what you would want to associate with love and romance. Or perhaps, maybe you do, if you're like me. It says that St Vee was first beaten with clubs and stoned, before being beheaded. Again, parallels with modern day love abound in that description.

So I guess you probably have figured out here that I am not a fan of Feb 14. I don't think that is a correct summation of the problem--I'd say I am unhappy that is has never really figured prominently in my life. I've gotten to the point where I've stopped wondering if it ever will.

Yes, woe is me. I'm certain that no one cares about my self-pity party, which I suppose is fine. Nobody wants to hear me prattle on about how unfair it all is and why is it only me.

No, I don't believe that at all. I know there are people who are just as alone as I am, but it's good to spit it out every few years in case someone hasn't had the pleasure of learning and hearing my sadness/anger/melancholy diatribe.

The fundamental problem with me--in respect to the issue of Why am I not Good Enough?--is not knowing what I don't know. I can assign degrees of fault in every instance of every relationship gone wrong. I've pretty much accepted total blame in one and a majority of the blame in another. The rest--couldn't say fairly, because in most cases, I don't even know reasons why things ended.

I will say however, I am extremely certain that I had no reason to feel blame or that somehow I was at fault for the most recent excursion into love. No, I made all the effort to fix problems of my own making. But still I was the bad guy. I will never accept that. I can, for once in my life, be sure that there is not something fundamentally wrong with me.

But really, that could actually be true. Maybe one exception proves the rule.
I'm not oblivious to the fact that I don't Seem communicative or personable. I'd be happy to prove otherwise. But I doubt that's gonna happen in time to save this Valentines Day.

I hope you are with someone you love, or who at least loves you on Tuesday. I'm fairly sure I'll be eating Chex Mix and browsing for Ukrainian Mail Order brides. That might be all that's left.

Selah