The Road to Hell is paved with Good Intentions

I see humor in so many different circumstances that on the surface don’t have any humor in them, but 2 things this weekend seemed ripe for my amusement when the details came through the mist.

The tragic shooting of 4 police officers in Washington state doesn’t have any kind of mirth involved in it. It was a blatant act of cowardice and the reasons will probably never be very clear to anyone. But the emerging fact that the suspected killer was a former felon whose sentence was commuted has one particularly humorous sidelight. The person who did said commutation was none other than Mike Huckabee, the itinerant preacher/sideshow act/wannabe GOP Presidential candidate, who formerly was governor of Arkansas. I just can’t imagine how Huckabee is going to spin his way out of responsibility for releasing a man serving a 108 year sentence, who ends up walking into a coffee shop and gunning down 4 cops. I doubt that Karl Rove or Jesus Christ himself could help Mike out of this mess. Any hopes he had of ever kicking back in the office at 1600 Pennsylvania have completely gone out the window. The specter of Willie Horton has aborted Huckabees’ campaign before it ever had a chance of getting started (yes the use of that phrasing is intended for ironic purposes). Between Mike and Sarah Palin, the GOP has 2 undeclared/prospective candidates for 2012 with more baggage than even Southwest Airlines would allow on a flight for free. Huckabee should stay as far away from any FOP conventions for awhile, if he has any sense at all, and that’s debatable at the best of times.

Meanwhile, a man in serious need of the Lord and a good lawyer is one Eldrick T Woods, and the sooner the better in his case. Eldrick found himself in a bit of domestic rough on Thanksgiving night that he couldn’t save par from. Mrs Woods suggested he play a 7 iron, since his caddy was unavailable, but Eldrick demurred, and Mrs allegedly proceeded to penalize Eldrick with a stroke and distance penalty. On a related note, no mention was made of Mrs Woods handicap in any of the reports I’ve read.

We’d have never gotten a good laugh at Eldrick’s expense if he hadn’t decided he needed to run for a pack of smokes at 2:30 in the morning. I’d bet he wishes he’d called his neighbor Ken Griffey Jr for a lift instead.

Of course, Thanksgiving is not really a good time to face the family when a tabloid story about Eldrick working on his scoring average hits the stands the same week. And I’m sure that the holiday leftovers are not going down too well in the Woods abode now that a prominent glossy gossip mag has another unrelated report on Eldrick’s night putting with another groupie. Just putting, at night.

Now, I’m not mad if Eldrick thought he needed a few extra rounds away from home. Everyone knows chicks dig the long ball. But c’mon man. A 34 year old nightclub “hostess”? If you’re 34 and still a VIP shill at a nightclub, you need to think about your career choices. And I forgot what the other one was (actually I just don’t have the info at my fingertips) but I seem to think it was one of the millions of waitress/aspiring actress types that are everywhere these days, not just L.A.

If Eldrick doesn’t know these are not the kind of women you should be giving a free drop to, then he has less sense than I even imagined.

But the biggest and most appalling “transgression” he committed was asking all of us to “give him and his family some privacy”. Yeah right.

If he wants to shield his life from public scrutiny so that the rest of us don’t see how shallow and boring he is, fine. Mission accomplished. But I take the same view as I do with any and all celeb-utards, public people and hucksters–-Do Not Ask for Privacy today, and then earnestly ask me to purchase a product you get for free tomorrow. That is the most cynical, arrogant, and white trash attitude anyone can adopt. And I won’t subscribe to it. Anyone who does it should be tarred and feathered and dragged by their feet behind a slow moving ice cream truck.

Even his apology seemed contrived and insincere. It was almost like he was asking for forgiveness for affairs he has yet to have.

I suspect that Eldrick will be the next reality show. Some PR flack is dreaming up the pilot as we speak. He could show the world he really is just another Ozzy, except with a more interesting wardrobe. Then people would leave him alone, which is apparently what he really wants. Except for the golf. Then he wants your full attention. And your lovely, filthy money.

Res Ipsa Loquitur